Nurture

By Abi Patterson

I'm laughing at myself as I write this. To say "I'm not a Hallmark kind of a girl" would be an understatement. In fact, to read the verses in cards in the shop can be a source of bewilderment to me. Probability is I'll buy a blank card and write something that sums up my feelings for the person in question - it won't rhyme and maybe it doesn't gush but it's me. And increasingly I'm happy with that. 

I've learned over the years what love languages speak to my heart, to my husband's and to each of my kids. In my case, it's 'doing' - make me a cup of tea or put up a shelf for me and I'm gushy then!! Aren't we funny us people? (Incidentally, if you've never worked out the love languages of your nearest and dearest do it ASAP as it changes your communication so beautifully forever.)

My thirties has so far been a season of learning more about what makes me me. I guess up to then I thought everybody did what I did and could do what I could do. It's like as I get a little older the truth is becoming clearer where 'me' is concerned. It's lovely to finally get to be happy with the skin I'm in and stop striving, hiding or stressing. 

Six months ago I asked God what freedom looks like and since then He's been freeing me from all kinds of misconceptions I've had- most of them about me, religion and what abundant life looks like with Him. 
I started out adult life headed for career heights. I was an A type achiever driving to succeed in the world of marketing and PR. That was the dream. The story is a long one but suffice to say I met a wonderful man and had three amazing children and the process of these years has changed my journey beyond recognition. The reason I tell you this backstory will become clear....stick with me...

I have learned that I have what I can now diagnose as a gift of nurture. It surprised me when I had my kids and it's stuck about ever since. If I'm honest I thought nurture was just a gift for child rearing but I'm learning I was wrong. It surprises me the places I see my nurturing delight sparkle
...I see it when I help yeast rise to make bread, the childlike joy I experience when seeds spring forth from the soil, the joy of kindling growing friendships in my life, the delight of seeing faith grow in me and in those around me. Nurture.

I misunderstood that nurture is not a child rearing gift but rather a heart that delights in growth and especially in the growth and expanse of others.

That my gift does not lie dormant because I have no babies in my home, or my nest is empty or children haven't arrived yet. Nurture can be nurtured across your life. In many ways a nurturer is like an attentive gardener, you just have to decide what garden you are seeking to grow. For you this could be discipling those younger in their faith, it could be befriending those you see in need of friendship, it could be so many things and you need to follow your heartbeat and follow Gods lead to find out ...what is your 'garden'? 

For me this past few years has seen a yearning grow that has stunned me in its passion. You see as I've begun to expose my heart to the world of fostering and adoption - by reading, meeting people and seeking to know more- God has expanded my heart for children in need of loving homes so much it aches. I get all fired up when I start talking about children who haven't had a fair deal in life. Children who have experienced less than a loving home, first years full of hugs, giggles and delight. My husband and I and our 3 biological children are on a journey now seeking to adopt. 

We love adoption and are passionate advocates for the Home for Good campaign which is asking us all to use our home for good for the children who need us (www.homeforgood.org.uk). I dream that one day our daughter will be home with us and her life will be full of the love and care that every child deserves. But God takes me deeper still - I dream and I pray that every child in our city, in our nation gets a home for good. That no child has to go to bed hungry, that no child will spend even a day unhugged, unloved. That one day the word 'orphan' will be spoken of in the past tense and confined to history. 

The dream looks big and I haven't quite got a plan but
I don't need one. I've got Jesus and I've got a fire in my belly that dwarfs any dream I held as the younger career-focused me. 
So you see as I sat down to write our blog for Mother's Day I was keenly aware that this is a day when many of us feel our loss while others celebrate. I wanted to share with you that mothering isn't defined biologically and it isn't only parenting. You have in you the capacity and the power to nurture where you put your hand. And that to me is immensely exciting. I love to think of the tidal wave of growth that we as women can unleash on our city when we set our hearts to intentionally nurture and dangerously step where Jesus leads. There is nowhere safe when we awake to the power we have as women to bless and grow what we put our hand to. 

So let's make a pact to be dangerous - are you in?

(If you are interested in learning more about fostering or adoption I will be delighted to chat with you. I also have 10 copies of the 'home for good' book for loan - an excellent place to start your journey into Gods heart for orphans abipatterson@hotmail.com)

Footprints in the Sand

By Sandra Williams

I grew up as a very shy child lacking in confidence and direction, never wanting to be noticed or to be centre of attention for anything.
  
At 15 years old I came to know God while attending my local church youth fellowship and can remember the incredible peace I felt within.  It wasn't too long after this that I was frustrated with the religious restraints I felt I had to conform to, so church took a backseat.  I didn't know what the true meaning of faith was back then and it would be many years later before I would begin to develop a deeper understanding of the love that surrounds me and always has.

I left home at 18 and that was the beginning of an 8 year journey in education, after 3 years realising I hadn't chosen the right career path and started from scratch on another one. (this was a very significant decision in my life).
  
I went to Art College in Newport, South Wales, where I studied a BA(Hons) in Design. Through numerous projects presentations and "life" my confidence had grown, and at the end of 4 tough but rewarding years, I graduated and for the first time I really felt that I had achieved something to be so proud off (and make my parents proud)!  I got my first real job and to top it all I had met the man of my dreams.  Life for me at this point could not have been any better!

I came back to N. Ireland (8 weeks after graduation and meeting Darryl) for the Christmas holidays, like I always did, as family was and still are incredibly important to me, only this time Darryl followed me a few days later (thought he was a bit keen, but secretly, I was too!).

Next evening we were on our way home after a night out in Portrush, the car slipped on icy roads and fell 50 feet down a cliff.  As the car was falling and crushing around my body, my silent prayer was, "Please God don't let me die."  We waited for what seemed like a lifetime for the ambulance to come and as they lifted me from the wreckage I felt my body tear apart.

I spent the next 2 weeks in intensive care on life support as both my lungs had collapsed, most of my ribs were broken  and my spinal cord completely severed.  I was operated on and 2 Harrington rods screwed onto my spinal column to stabilise my back and allow the bones to heal.  I was given strong doses of morphine which caused me to hallucinate and see pink elephants fly above my bed and wallpaper self-adorn the walls as if it were a private preview of a Disney movie!

Darryl had severe injuries too, a broken breast bone and broken vertebra and in danger of having a massive heart attack, but each day he would write me a poem and send it down to intensive care where a nurse dutifully read it to me.  As I got stronger I remember my parents and sisters stand at my bedside talking to me, telling me all the news they could muster up just to keep me alert.  I remember one night being filled with panic when an alarm sounded and knew I couldn't run to safety. 

I was eventually moved to a ward for a further 3 weeks and have fond memories of the nurses pushing Darryl's bed in beside mine every day and we were allowed to spend some time together.  The day the Doctor told us I would never walk again, Darryl and I fell silent. 

As I began to process these words, I was thankful that I wasn't going to die, my prayer had been answered, but as the reality of the situation sunk further in I was devastated. From this point I began to grieve my loss.
   
I was moved to Musgrave Park Hospital which would be my home for the next 6 months.  I had to learn to live again right from the basics such as sitting up, balance and how to dress myself.   The dreaded day came when they pushed a wheelchair beside my bed and set me in it.  I don't honestly remember how long I sat there but it felt like hours of silent torture! 

Life had changed beyond comprehension, everything would be different now, I couldn't make sense of anything.  Everything I had worked for changed for ever, my job, relationships, life! My confidence hit an all-time low. "Why me?" I felt so sorry for myself, suicidal. I cursed God over and over again and at the same time cried out to Him to change things pleading with Him to help me!
  
Depression set in, I didn't go anywhere on my own for 15 years. During this time I had counselling to help me with the trauma I was suffering. It took three and a half years before I slowly started to gain confidence.   During this time Darryl and I got married and had our 3 amazing children.  All these wonderful gifts came with many challenges and happy memories.   Darryl has been my rock and has loved me and supported me through all these years of tears, frustration, anger and pain.
  
God heard my cries and met me at the school gate!  I was accepted simply for being me and taken by the hand.    From then on things started to change.  It was a slow process, still painful and sometimes unmanageable.  Through worship God has touched me and begun to heal my heart making life more bearable.  He gives me the strength to get up and face each day.

My youngest is 9 and I have had the privilege to be a stay-at-home mum all these years.  But there was more for me; He had more for me.  I am now being creative and designing again, leading workshops at Hope and Gloria and feeling worthy every day.

It is only now when I look back on my journey so far, that He has been with me guiding me every step of the way.   His love for me has been incredible through all this heartbreak, He has shown His mercy, blessed me and given me back more than I ever imagined.  

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’

-Mary Stevenson

His Presence!

By June Lorimer

Deuteronomy 7:9  Understand, therefore, that the LORD your God is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps His covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands. NLT

I love this verse, I could stop this blog right now as His word and presence is enough, it really is always enough, whether we are soaring high or plummeting the depths of life circumstances. Feast your eyes and heart on these words above. He is God; He is Lord; He is faithful; He keeps His promises for ever; He lavishes His love; (I love the word lavish as a description of his great love towards us, it is so rich in meaning and depth) His love is unfailing and here comes our part, this is true for each one of us….to love and obey him (i.e. to follow Him in all His ways, so that our ways are His ways, that they are so beautifully moulded together into one as we take time to listen to His heartbeat and set our faces towards Him.)

My journey with Jesus began when I was ten years old, I was at boarding school in Belfast with my younger sister. I found His love and grace irresistible and clearly remember asking Him into my life, kneeling beside my dormitory bed one evening and being led to Jesus by a girl in upper sixth.  I remember looking at the sky and seeing the most glorious sunset and feeling that the God of the universe had painted it in the sky especially for me that night and that I was His girl. I was conscious of a deep inner peace and tingling sensation!  So now begins the perfect story of a life lived set apart for Him and His glory…if only !!!! I definitely took being a muppet many, many times to a whole new level of idiocy (still do at times) and I am so thankful for His unfailing patience, love, discipline (not so fussed on this aspect) and care.

The primary reason we were at boarding school was due to the ‘troubles’. My parents had a business, which was blown up including our home in the 70’s, plus many other bombings subsequent to this and an attempted hijacking. We had been brought up in a home of total religious tolerance for all faiths, so it would never have occurred to me that we could be targets. I remember so clearly being given the news of that first bomb when we were staying with relatives during the summer holidays. My parents weren’t with us at the time and the news was relayed to us by a relative. I was completely devastated and an anxiety crept deep inside of me as an unwelcome passenger, in particular regarding the safety of people I love. This was further compounded by my parents trying to shield us from the news of yet another bomb of our family business which one of my classmates inadvertently told me about!  I felt Jesus gave me a beautiful verse, which I fed myself on during those difficult years at boarding school, (it definitely was not my favourite place to be, it felt like a prison!) 

Joshua 1 v 9 “Be bold and strong banish fear and doubt for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

This was manna to my soul and I was so delighted to change schools three years later and become a day- girl at a local school, unfortunately that was also the end of my academic work. I was now free and freedom tasted far too good to be bothered with working! I did say earlier that I was a muppet at times and only redeemed this period of my life years later!

The reason why I shared this part of my story is because the Holy Spirit revealed something so significant to me at the latter part of last year, which has been so freeing. My poor boys have had to put up with a neurotic mother, which stemmed from my deep childhood anxiety. Most normal parents like to know where their children are, what time they will be home at etc but with me it induced an abnormal fear/anxiety and I tried to pre-empt potential troubling situations by playing through my head anything and everything which may or may not happen regarding them both.  They were both so gracious at all times but it was pretty ridiculous!  Scott, my youngest son, challenged me regarding the need to see a counsellor, but I knew instantly as he spoke this out that the Holy Spirit would show me and release me from this bondage. As I talked to Him, (the Holy Spirit) He took me straight back to my childhood and pinpointed the primary root of anxiety as stemming from the day of hearing about our first bomb. From then He showed me various points along my journey where I had suffered the pain of loss and He instantaneously set me FREE, meaning also that the boys would be set free from an over anxious mother a win, win situation. I genuinely had absolutely no idea that I was carrying this unnecessary burden all these years.

  

Moving on!

Any of you who know me will know that I love to meet with people and see them set free from any area where they feel trapped.  I love to pray and journey with many of you and see freedom come into your life, it’s always an honour and such an immense privilege to be involved in this kind of ministry.  

John 8v36 “So if the son sets you free, you shall be free indeed”. 

I have come to realize on the journey that freedom really is a choice.  Jesus offers us this freedom in every area and arena of our lives.  He wants us to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. (Romans12v2), He desires to make us more like Him, to be Holy as he is Holy (1 Peter 1:15-16). We must go through the refiner’s fire so that we can reflect the utter brilliance of His beauty through the transforming process. I had two visions at varying times in the past 4-5 years where God was showing me the refining that I would be going through, (I would rather he hadn’t shown me these as I knew there was a time of intensive pruning coming up and boy was it painful!) 

John 15 v 2 “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” 

As we become more like Him then those around us are infected by His presence (forgot to say I was a nurse for twenty years, I understand the power of transmittable infections!). This really is the best form of infection being transferred to others through the Holy Spirit working in us and is utterly life transforming. We are set free; He often uses us to set others free….simples really!!

Butterflies!

I was in Stratford upon Avon several weeks ago and I went to the butterfly house, this is on my "bucket list" as I had had a previous vision of majestic butterflies on large leafy fronds, waterfalls etc. The only problem was that my heavenly father hadn’t given this to me in glorious technicolour, I had pleaded with Him to do so but it wasn’t happening, so I have now seen it in glorious technicolour (real life) which was obviously what he had planned and I was completely wowed once again by the magnificence of my creator God. I stood for ages (a couple of hours, and yes I did look as if I was crazy!) beside the pupa cabinet and watched as the butterflies struggled to get out of the chrysalis, even when they did, they simply hung there and underwent even more transformation and I watched as their bodies changed colour and shape…amazing.  Then they hung there for a little while longer before blood was pumped into their wings and they had dried out to be ready for flight. The one which I watched for a long time going through this whole process was a magnificent blue one which was the one God had showed me in the vision and now I was seeing it in glorious techicolour/real life and was well worth waiting for. Why am I including this in the blog…I am not sure really other than that even when the butterfly had emerged there still was a waiting time and further transformation had to take place before it could take flight. I know this has huge significance for some reader’s lives so I am simply going to leave it there and you can ask Him what He is revealing to you!  

I feel that He asked me to stop writing and to talk to you about Him, the great I am who I am! He tells us to 

“Be still and to know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth” Psalm 46 v 10. 

I love His presence; there is nothing better than meditating and worshipping Him and feeling the weightiness and love of His presence.  I love the fact that He lives in me, and that I am of noble birth adopted into His family as a daughter of the King of Kings! I love the fact that He comes close to and is a healer of the broken hearted. I love the fact that He says we are new creations because of His great love and the mind-blowing divine exchange which took place on the cross…such outrageous grace! I love the fact that He is our provider, and He has provided well! (scary at times as we stepped out of the boat as a family, but I wouldn’t change it)  

I love the fact that His eyes roam the whole earth looking for those who are fully committed to Him and that He knows He has captivated my messy heart. I love the fact that He is family and that placing people into families physically and spiritually is His idea, and I am so thankful that He set me into an amazing one with incredible parents, a steadfast crazy hubbie, God loving sons and adopted crazy daughter! I love the fact that He is for our town, our nation and the nations, that nothing escapes His eyes of love and mercy. I love the fact that He brings very special people into our lives to reflect the Saviour’s heart. I love the fact that He is a God of justice and evil cannot prevail because of His presence. I love the fact that He is always faithful, always present, always good.  I just love the fact that He is the great I am who I am.

Winter turns to spring

By Hilary Williams

When Tori asked me to write a blog I had to laugh because I have thought about starting my own blog, but sort of kept putting it off as something I would do later. So I took this invitation knowing that it would give me the kick-start I needed! I also consider it quite an honor to be asked because I’ve only been a part of CCV for just over 3 months. So, for those of you whom I have not had the pleasure of meeting yet, let me tell you a little about myself. I am married to an incredible man named Alex, and we have a beautiful daughter, Lilliana, who will be 3 years old this month. We have just moved here to be a part of CCV all the way from Oregon, USA, (which is the West Coast right above California). It was a 5-year process, and because we serve a God who does the impossible, we are here! We have been incredibly blessed to feel at home so quickly here, and have watched as God has already done so many things in our lives in teaching us, setting us free, and providing for our needs day to day.

As I was pondering what to write, I felt like I needed to tell my story. The hard part was knowing what part. I would love to tell you my whole story, but that would take ages, and pages, and neither of us have that much time. So, I will share with you a recent journey I’ve been on with the hope that it will encourage you in your own. In my introduction I told you I was a wife and mother. However, I am also a musician, a singer, and a songwriter. You may not bat an eyelash as you read those words, thinking “oh cool, there are lots of those around here,” but for me to write those words and share that part of who I am is a big deal to me. Let me tell you why.

I’m sure you’ve probably heard the old saying about Artists and Musicians not being able to make a living. I like to think that I didn’t really believe that growing up. My parents were wonderful at encouraging me to pursue my dreams regardless of whether there was a lot of money attached to the career. Something for which I am incredibly grateful for. (Thank you Mom and Dad!) However, somehow over the years that idea that music wasn’t a “good enough” career or calling got lodged in my mind, and it’s just in these last couple of weeks, I have come to realise that I don’t have to find my place in anything else. It’s a tricky thing, the mind. Because it wasn’t like I didn’t know that my music brought me a lot of joy, or that God wanted to use it. I knew it was important, because  I spent several years using my gift by learning to lead worship, and enjoyed playing at different prayer meetings etc. etc. But I didn’t know it was enough.

If I told you the verse that was one of the keys to setting me free, you would probably laugh. It’s this one:

“His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who play the lyre and pipe.” (Genesis 4:21)

This verse was brought to my attention when I recently had the privilege of hearing Andy Rogers teach about the history of music, and musicians in the Bible. It was through that teaching that I finally recognized that I am a musician. I don’t have to try to be anything else. I don’t need to pursue any other career, and I don’t have to keep my passion crammed to the side or labeled as a “hobby.” Music is more than my hobby. It’s my life. Now, before I go much further I’ll give you a little background on Jubal, since my epiphany might not be obvious without the context. Jubal was one of three brothers, all descendants of Cain. One of the brother’s was the father of all who lived in tents and kept livestock, and the other one was the father of the forgers of all implements of bronze and iron. (Same passage in Genesis) So basically, one brother was a farmer, the second brother was a builder/welder, and the third, Jubal, was a musician. For me, this was an eye opener. Jubal was a musician. Period. He didn’t have any other career, or any other strength (that was worth mentioning in the Bible) besides his music. Meaning music is more than just a part time pursuit to God. It’s a lifetime call.

When I was 5 years old I had my first piano lesson. My teacher’s name was Nancy Newman. She was about 19 years old at the time, and she stood me up on the piano bench and opened the top so I could see the strings and hammers, and she told me how it worked, and helped me find Middle C. I fell in love with the piano that day. She played the piano for me, and I watched in amazement as her fingers glided effortlessly over the keys creating beautiful melodies, and I knew I wanted to learn to make the piano come alive like that one day. She played beautifully, and my Mom says that she must have passed her gift on to me, because, later on, when I gained more skill my playing reminded her Nancy. Sadly, Nancy passed away suddenly not long after that, leaving her husband and two children behind, making that one short lesson even more significant to me.  

After that I had a passion for the piano. I would sit at any piano I could find (thankfully growing up in church there was always one to be found somewhere). My mother’s dream had been that all of her kids would play an instrument, so she prayed continually that we would all get the right teachers and instruments. With money tight, sometimes the wait would be long, but through the years I had several teachers who would add on to what I had learned before, so that by the time I was in my teens, I could read music well, and play in any key no matter how many flats or sharps there were. Now, before you think “Wow, that’s amazing! I hated lessons as a kid...” Let me tell you, I was a normal kid, and I didn’t like lessons most days either. I didn’t like practicing my scales. I just liked the piano, and doing whatever I wanted! Fast forward to today and the piano is still my favorite instrument, and I still like nothing better than having a beautifully tuned piano and an empty room.

Do you remember Narnia? Where it was always winter but never Christmas? I feel like I am just coming out of a Narnian winter when it comes to my music. I mentioned earlier that I had learned to lead worship. I started off playing the piano for our Women’s Ministry, and as I got better and better, opportunities began to open up for me to sing, and eventually lead. I started to be known around the area as someone who could lead worship so I would drive my little car up and down the coast of California to play at worship events in the evenings and on weekends. It was exciting and exhausting. I loved it, and I was really growing in my gift. Then I met my husband (another good story!), and in the winter of 2008 I moved to Oregon to a place where no one knew me. No one knew my gifts. No one knew my music, and at first I enjoyed the rest. It was nice to have a bit of a break. But then, as the years went by, I started to feel like all those gifts began to die in me.

“Truly truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24 (NASB)

So there I was. No passion to play the piano. No desire to pray or read my Bible. Feeling like I couldn’t hear God the way I used to. I was just very uninspired in general, and I didn’t feel the least bit creative when it came to anything musical. I even stopped singing around the house, and putting music on. I was grieving the loss of all that was familiar, having left all my family and friends back in California. I didn’t really want to start over in relationships, because the thought of someone not knowing me and having to explain myself all the time to not be misunderstood was almost too much for me to bear. So, my life became focused on my marriage and my family instead, and my days as a worship leader felt like it had all been a dream... 

I have to take a minute here to say how thankful I am for the Holy Spirit and the way He patiently brings us through life, always with the Father’s best purpose in mind, knowing the outcome will be so much better if we go through those times of testing. God showed me during that time that the things I had been doing in music were only the “seed,” (just like in the verse above) and the real fruit would come, if I let it die. It was, as you can imagine, a painful process. It was hard to let something so precious to me die, and realise that I had any value to God without my music. But I discovered that He loved me even when I didn’t have anything to give him but my brokenness.

My “Winter of Songs” lasted 5 years. I learned so much in those 5 years. And I don’t want you to think I didn’t enjoy life during that time. I wasn’t depressed, or sad. I lived a full life with my husband, and loved being married, and loved becoming a mother. Those two things were more fulfilling than anything I had ever done in “ministry.” It was just this one part of me that didn’t seem to exist anymore. But that is not the end of my story, because spring was on its way...

‘See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone;

Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come,the cooing of doves is heard in our land.’  Song of Solomon 2:11-12

I can’t tell you how many times God used this Scripture to remind me that my life was not going to be forever stuck in winter. And even though I can’t wait for spring to come here in Northern Ireland, I feel like I am already enjoying spring on the inside! I started to feel inspired again a few months before we moved here. It was little by little, bit by bit, just like a tender green shoot that carefully pokes it’s way through the soil to find the sun. I’m excited because I don’t know what this new life will look like. It feels like starting over, and it feels familiar all at the same time. It feels like finding something I loved that was lost. I hope it’s like riding a bike, and my muscles will remember. But however long it takes to grow into this new place, I’ll take my time, stretch out in the sun, and thank God for bringing me to the spring. 

Living in a Box

By Danielle McElhinney

I have a confession to make. I told Tori a little lie! When she asked me to write my story for the blog I told her I didn’t know what I would write. That’s not true. I knew what I would write, I just wasn’t sure that I was ready to write it. However it is not by chance that Tori asked me just at this time. God’s timing is perfect.

These blogs are a reflection of the REAL WOMEN in our church and I am one of them. I laugh, I cry (regularly); I love my kids, sometimes I could throttle my kids; I love my husband, sometimes I could throttle him too. Sometimes my reality is amazing and I celebrate those days. Sometimes my reality sucks and I’d rather forget those days.

So let me tell you a bit of background.

I grew up in Mid Ulster with my parents and two brothers. My time was shared between horses and church. My dad was Pastor of a charismatic church for most of my teenage years. We had crazy English youth pastors who constantly challenged us to live “sold out” for God.  Although we were a small group we had big dreams and we were inspired to live them all.

I was a good student, I was a confident, outspoken girl and I felt capable and encouraged at every step. I loved Jesus passionately and I believed that with His power in my life that I was going to take over the world!

At age 18, life was full of promise. I met Graham, fell madly in love and we got married when I turned 20. I finished my English degree; I started my own business and I had my first child, the most beautiful little girl with big blue eyes and curly blonde hair.

Somewhere along the way things started to travel at a tangent to how I thought they would.

After 5 years I closed my business as I wanted to be at home to bring up my kids. This had severe financial implications which we haven’t recovered from yet.

My life began to look very different to how I had planned.

I always loved my husband and my kids and I chose to give that season of my life over to building a secure home life, which I will never regret. However within a few short years I began feeling like someone I didn’t really recognise. I felt myself retreating into an invisible box. The big life I had hoped for seemed as far away from my small existence as anything could be. I felt all my personal abilities and possibilities had been rolled up and packed away in a box.

No one did it to me. I did it to myself. I limited myself. I limited what I could be because I was a mum; I limited what I could say because I was a woman, I limited what I could achieve because I didn’t have money. I set limits all around myself; probably thinking I was somehow protecting myself.

I wasn’t particularly happy in that state of constraint but I convinced myself that this was normal for my stage of life.

If you had met me you probably wouldn’t have guessed these things were going on inside me. I’ve always been strong and confident and I would have been too proud to appear otherwise.

One thing that never changed in that time was God. Without doubt, He has been steadfast and sure. During that time He taught me to lean into His Word like never before. I found out how to search Scripture for myself and uncover wonderful truths and promises to build my life upon.

Even in my self-made box God was at work. He was teaching me how to trust His Word in my heart and not just know it in my head. He used that place as a refining fire and a sharpening iron. No experience is ever a waste of time to God.

This time is summed up perfectly in the lyrics from “Sovereign Over Us” by Aaron Keyes

“You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying usWhen beyond our understanding; You're teaching us to trust”

About 3 years ago I began to sense God stirring up unrest within me. I felt a growing sense of frustration with who I was and what I had become. I actually felt embarrassed that I had not achieved more. I questioned if this was all my life was going to amount to. I felt suffocated inside the box I had made for myself. Sometimes I got angry at God. That just made me even more miserable!

For months I have attended First Thursday for Women at CCV and listened to incredible stories of courageous women who had endured hardship in their lives and yet had encountered God in the midst of it. This only made me feel worse! I had such a secure upbringing, every academic opportunity, a healthy, loving family of my own and most of all Jesus inside of me. What right did I have to live such a boxed in, small life?

I could bore you now with excerpts from my journals and notepads. Records of scriptures that I cling to,  in which God makes personal promises of freedom to me; and notes of encouraging things that trusted people have spoken over my life that resonate with the God promises. Those things I shall hold close to my heart.

It is sufficient to say that God has blown me away in how He has brought me to a place of complete confidence in His power to free me from the box that has contained me.  He has given me a deep sense of resolve to live a BIG life outside the box. 

 

However, I will share this piece of scripture that sums up the place where I stand right now.

Isaiah 54:2-3 NIV“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left...”

Girls, watch out because I’m stretching out!

As I step out of the box I am reminded of the John Lewis Christmas advert when the bear wakens from hibernation. I’m waking up to everything that God has made me to be. I am not going to hold back from becoming everything that He says I can be, do and say. I am going to take full advantage of all the freedom He has promised to me.

Romans 5:2 in the Message sums up this freedom life so beautifully,

“We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand-out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.”

Not all my circumstances have magically changed. I still face very real personal challenges every day. Not everything in my life is perfect or how I want it to be.

Few things may have changed on the outside but everything has changed on the inside- I am free!

In conclusion may I encourage any women who have placed limits on themselves for whatever reason or in whatever season? Don’t waste time living in a small space, when God has created such a big wide open space for you to live in. 

Listening to Dana Masters last month at First Thursday, I have the impression that I am not the only CCV woman who is experiencing this call to freedom. We can step out of those places of limitation with great confidence in a God who always intended freedom to be our habitation and position.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.Galatians 5:1 NIV