"Be Brave?"

By Emma Beattie

What do the words ‘Be Brave’ really mean? When I think of bravery I immediately think of power, strength, standing against critics and overcoming fear. It’s a powerful statement.

I always considered bravery as the ability to walk away unafraid and victorious having not crumbled when faced with something we would typically find frightening. However, when you look up the word ‘brave’ in a dictionary you do get words like ‘warrior’ ‘courage’ and ‘fearless’ but what struck me most was a phrase... “To be brave is to be ready to face and endure danger or pain.”

By this definition being brave is not the absence of fear but the courage and ability to face that fear and endure it. To be faced with an uncomfortable and frightening circumstance, but to walk directly into it with a courageous authority.

We can apply this to our lives easily, we have all had situations arise where we have had to choose whether to turn away and let fear overcome us or whether to rise up, power through and ‘face the music’, so to speak. We have all had to be brave at one time or another. Whether that’s starting a new job, moving to a new city, facing a bully – Whatever the situation is will be different for everyone but the common factor is the nervousness, the unsure feeling in the pit of your stomach… ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ 

It takes courage to make these decisions in our lives.

But I believe that there is a deeper meaning to being brave.

I have recently started a new chapter in my life, walking away from negativity and embracing hope. Learning that I am good enough and that actually there is more out there, there is a restoration that is worth fighting for. 

This didn’t come easy. It was a battle, a long struggle I still face, but what started with having to face myself… face the flaws, guilt, shame and anger that I had carried for many years. It took courage to look into my heart and begin to face the hurt that I had tried so hard to forget.

So often bravery is about more than fighting or standing against an outside force, it’s about facing ourselves. Looking in at the deepest, darkest parts of our hearts and daring to make changes to fix what is broken and reach for freedom. It’s not easy but to succeed, in order to find hope we have to endure.

The amazing thing is we do not have to fight the battle alone. Through God it is possible to look inward, recognise the broken parts of our lives and begin a journey to freedom. This is because He is big enough to handle our fear and with Him we can know true bravery. Why should we be afraid when we have an unfailing Father whose love completely overshadows any fear that may stand in our path?

This is not to say all bravery is about finding ourselves. I believe we also have to be brave as Christians.

By that I mean we can’t just sit in our Church buildings, safe behind our walls and pray for change. We need to be brave and take it to the streets. 

Yes we can sing about hope and we should but we need to bring hope. We need to show people, show the world that we are more than just good songs and we can do more because we can BE more!

It isn’t meant to be easy. It is never easy to stand up and be strong against oppression. It is never simple to stand out in the crowd when often, all we want is to mix into the background. Facing yourself, being true to yourself and standing for what you know in your heart to be right can be terrifying.

But we do not have to be brave alone! We can be brave together, we can stand together and be a voice for those without one. We can stand united in the face of poverty, disease, injustice, fear and all the wrongs that keep people bound. It takes courage to stand up and be counted. To say enough is enough and set out to change a wrong. There may be the fear of failing, ‘what if I try and I fail?’ We need to step beyond that, if we want to see change we need to step out and be the change. That is bravery. Daring to take Gods message of hope into the darkest places and being willing to be that light in the darkness!

We can be brave with God.

When we aren’t strong enough He steps in and we can rest safe with Him until we can be brave once again. God knows what we can handle. Sometimes being brave may just be saying ‘God I give this to you, take over!’

What requires you to be brave today is unique to you. We all have our battles but we have one God. A God that is big enough to handle our doubts and our fears. A God that is longing for us to be the movement that creates change, that instils joy and ignites passion and hope where it is needed the most. We don’t have to always win. We will fail. We will get knocked down but being brave is standing back up, carrying on and refusing to give up.

Being brave isn’t just the fight in the ‘fight or flight response’, it isn’t just a short-term reaction to a situation. It’s a choice. A choice to reach for more and be more than the person we were yesterday.

Do you think of yourself as brave?

By Heidi Scrimgeour

Do you think of yourself as brave?

I know I don’t. In fact if you asked me to describe myself that’s certainly not a word that would spring to mind.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned of late, it’s that bravery isn’t just a state of being, like being blonde (I am, with a little help…) or being a major fan of shoes (guilty, especially if they’re red…)

You can’t just act bravely once and then tick a box and claim lifetime membership of the bravery club. Being brave is a choice we make, not just once but again and again, and it rarely gets any easier to choose. It’s a risk, a leap of faith, and sometimes even a shot in the dark.

Being brave means taking a deep breath, closing your eyes and stepping forward into the unknown. It’s letting go of the consequences and having no way of knowing whether you’re falling or flying.

Speaking of which, I spotted this photograph of a greeting card recently and it took my breath away because I feel as if it perfectly captures the season I find myself living in of late. Or maybe it’s not a season but my whole life. (Scary thought…)

Brave is the little spark of feisty hope in your heart that refuses to be extinguished. It’s the quickening of your pulse when you know you’re in over your head - and yet have never felt so alive.

Being brave is a perpetual feeling that you’re flying by the seat of your pants. Sometimes that’s fun; a thrilling adventure. Other times I feel sick to my stomach, and desperate for a little sit down. Even brave battle maidens need a quiet cup of tea now and again.

And that’s ok; being brave isn’t the same as being fearless. In fact true bravery probably means making your peace with the fact that no-one ever died from feeling a little fearful. Well, as far as I know they didn’t…

The bravest things I’ve ever done have always involved a healthy dose of fear, if such a thing exists. Forgiving what culture says is unforgivable. Extending endless grace when no-one would have blamed me for holding a lifelong grudge. Laughing when I felt like crying. Trusting the wisdom of someone else’s ‘You can do this,’ when fear had overwhelmed me and persuaded me that I couldn’t, so there was no point even trying.

And every time I’ve chosen to believe I just might fly - instead of shrinking away from opportunity for fear of falling - I’ve always, always been astonished by the realisation of how close I came to missing the utter joy of soaring when you thought you’d never even get off the ground.

The thing I believed I couldn’t do but which someone else’s bravery in the face of my despair helped to make me fit for? On an almost daily basis I feel speechless with gratitude that I didn’t miss this sweetness. Sometimes it’s someone else’s brave that gets us through. It’s good to have enough to spare.

I’ve said yes to things I didn’t feel ready for. Boarded planes without certainty that it would be worthwhile, and opened my mouth to speak with no clue of what to say. Embraced opportunities that seemed way beyond my capability, and hurtled headlong into seemingly inevitable disaster, only to find it turn to manna in my hands.

So am I brave? Not really. It wouldn’t make my list of five words I’d used to describe me to a stranger. I’m not brave as I am blonde or fond of shoes. 

But I have resolved to leap wholeheartedly towards the adventure I know I’m made for, even though there’s a terrifying chance I’ll fall. I might dither for a moment, or ask a friend to hold my hand as I take the plunge. 

But I will teeter on the brink of that scary precipice and choose ‘brave’ even when I feel I’m not worthy of that label. 

I'll see you there.

Red Coats and Risks

By Shirley Rogers

Recently I've had opportunities to pray for people out and about in hairdressers and hotels, in supermarkets and sowing rooms! But it's been a few months since I went out and about specifically looking for His opportunities to pray with people.

I'm leading my small group through the book 'Do What Jesus Did' by Robby Dawkins and knew I couldn't encourage them to embrace a life of adventurous risk taking if I wasn't doing the same!! As the book says, God is not looking for experts but people who are available. God’s gift to us is ability; our gift to God is availability. So I made Wednesday morning available and asked God who was on His treasure list that He wanted me to meet that day.

To be honest I headed out feeling a bit nervous and more than a bit 'rusty'. At first I wasn't seeing people who matched my treasure hunt list but one of the treasure clues was a lady in a red coat so I decided I would pray for every 'red coat' I saw!!

Brief pause for those who know me well to have a giggle!! When it comes to praying for people out and about I'm a bit like Joseph, looking for the coats of many colours my Father has for me! But over and over I've seen Him touch the lives of these people. One of the most memorable for me was a lady in a green coat. We prayed for her sister who had just been diagnosed with cancer and found out a few weeks later she had been given the all clear!!

I was excited when I saw my first 'red coat' grimace because her wrist was sore as I also had 'right wrist in pain and bandaged' on my treasure list!! I 'casually' asked if her wrist was sore but she said she was just changing her shopping basket to another hand as it was heavy. So instead I asked her if there was one thing I could pray for her what would it be but she just said 'good health' as she rushed away!!!

Normally that wouldn't have bothered me but because it was the first time I had done treasure hunting for a while, I was tempted to feel discouraged. I know that discouragement doesn't come from our Heavenly Father but from the father of lies, so the best thing to do was to find the nearest 'red coat' and pray for them!!

I headed to B and Q as it was on my list too. I met a lovely lady in a red coat. She didn't want prayer for anything specific but said she needed "all the prayers she could get!" I don't think she really expected me to actually pray for her there and then but did accept my offer to do so. I just prayed she would know how special she was to God, how much He loved her and that He would fill her with His peace, hope and joy. Her eyes filled with tears and she was very thankful.

Fast forward to Tesco on Friday morning. As I got my trolley I felt to pray that I was available for any opportunities He had for me as I did my grocery shop. Two seconds later I walked in to the store at the same time as a lady wearing a red coat!! I made a quick comment about the weather but chickened out of offering to pray right there in the doorway! I remembered I wanted to get some shampoo (on offer!) so I headed over to that aisle.

Guess who was already there? Red coat lady!! And she had a bandage on her right wrist too!! I quickly explained about my list on Wednesday morning. She showed me that she had just had an operation on her hand but wasn't sure if it was going to correct the problem. I offered to pray that the operation would be a complete success and she would have full movement in her hand again. When I asked her if she could move her fingers any more, she started to explain about the operation again but then said "my hand is tingling all over". He is so good :-)

I maybe didn't get to pray for lots of people on Wednesday morning but it did mean I got to pray for that lovely lady on Friday. It was like a rollover bonus!!

Thank you Father for your divine appointments in supermarket aisles :-)

"This is what it means to be the Church— not to be perfect, or better than our neighbours. It means that the good news of God’s love actually lives inside us and is available to build up, restore, heal and transform the world around us." (R. Dawkins)

Are you "available" this week?

A year of “Real Women”

By Tori Sheppard

Today, we finish the Real Women blog one-year experiment with our final installment.

We began with a question:  What would emerge if a different woman from Causeway Coast Vineyard told a real story of something God was doing in each of their lives for an entire year? 

A year later, 51 different women have told their stories.

51 women who took a risk

51 women who said ‘yes’ when I asked if they would do it

51 women engaging in scary/exciting moments as they sat down at the computer to write their story

51 women and their expressions of utter vulnerability

51 women and the authentic stories of the power of God in their lives

51 women who gave gifts to us all

And those 51 stories didn’t just travel around the North Coast. No, they went much, much, further…

According to the statistics for the Real Women blog on Blogger, our little experiment has had almost 22,000 views from AROUND THE WORLD. Over 16,000 views came from the UK and the rest came from countries scattered across the globe. I guess that’s just the power of social media - but wow!  Who knew?

What was it about what we did that struck such a chord in so many?

I’ve thought a lot about it because I’ve been the one who sees many of  the “shares” on social media, and I have had the privilege of hearing from so many of the women who wrote about the impact their little blog has had on not only other women’s lives… but also their own.

For some of the brave women that wrote, it was the first time they had ever told that part of their story publicly. For some, it was deeply risky and deeply vulnerable to share their story. But you know what? The feedback from those women is that they LOVED doing it! And they received waves and waves of encouragement from other women who said they “needed” to read their story, who connected with their journey, their pain, their loss, their celebration, their revelation of Jesus, their understanding of their Father’s heart, their freedom, and their “real-ness.”

The more I’ve poured over all the comments from readers and considered all the conversations with the writers.  I am more convinced than ever that the power of our testimony and our stories is a powerful force in the Kingdom of God, even, might I say, a weapon of hope against the darkness and a full blown proclamation of worship and praise.

You see, each of these stories, at their root, says one thing. To sum it up it’s something like this: I am who I am because Christ in me is the hope of glory.   

Colossians 1:27To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

So what we’ve done is publish, across the world, 51 stories of the faithfulness of God in the lives of women on the North Coast of Northern Ireland. 

We’ve said Jesus IS the power of healing and transformation in our lives. 2 Corinthians 3:18

We’ve said that when we were lost He found us.  Luke 15:32

We’ve said He gave us strength when we didn’t have strength to carry on.  Phillipians 4:13

We’ve said He is showing us who we were designed to be. Psalm 139:14-15

We’ve said He bore our grief and carried us in times of suffering.  Isaiah 53

We’ve said He lifted us from the muck and mire and placed our feet on solid rock.  Psalm 40:2

We’ve said He stepped in when we didn’t see a way out.  Psalm 18

We’ve said He is in the big of our lives AND the small.  Matthew 6:30

We’ve said He wants to be close to us and have intimate relationship with us as Father, friend and also Lord and Saviour.  John 10:30, John 1:14, Psalm 68:5, 1 John 4:14, John 15

We’ve said He rescues.  Psalm 37:39

We’ve said He wants us to be at peace with who He created us to be  Ephesians 2:10

We’ve said we should dream big dreams with Him for our community and our world   Matthew 28:16-20

We’ve said we want Him to use whatever is in our hands to serve the poor and reach out to those in any kind of need around us  Exodus 4:2 , Psalm 82:3-4, Matt 25:35

We’ve seen Him break the chains of worrying about what others think about us….so we can just be REAL.  Hebrews 13:6, Proverbs 29:25

To be honest, there’s no way I could begin to list EVERY attribute of the faithfulness of God and what you said He has done in your lives in this closing blog.

BUT suffice to say…

We’ve done something powerful women… And I’m not sure we even knew the power of what we were doing!?

For every woman that wrote AND for everyone who shared these stories around on social media and email, we were engaged in something immense, battling darkness and negativity and doubt and unbelief.

And all we were doing was turning on our light… Just shining the light that was in us already.

You’ll have to forgive me but I can’t help but think in pictures, and I’ve been thinking about Narnia when they lead the charge in the battle in “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,” shouting “For Narnia and for Aslan!” 

So as I've thought about we have done with this blog, I can't help but see all of us with hope lifted like swords held high shouting “For Jesus and His Kingdom!”  :)

I have to admit, the timing of all of this is interesting to me.  A year on from when we started these stories of His power and goodness in our lives, we are seeing almost 100 people a week come to Jesus on the streets of our community and in our church environments like services, groups, etc.  This is unprecedented for us!

Could it be that the power of our testimony was playing a small part all the while in getting the “soil” ready for this “harvest??”

Whatever the case, what we do know is this. The power of our stories is changing lives.  We MUST keep telling the stories of His goodness in our lives.  We MUST keep shouting as loudly and as widely as we can, that HE IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE. (John 14:6)

So…

We just can’t stop the blog.  ;)

It may not be posted every week but it will keep going for sure, probably monthly.  And we will keep telling the stories of women in our First Thursday events once a month and we will keep encouraging ALL of us to tell the stories of Jesus and what He has done in our lives. 

Now here’s a real confession from me: I didn’t expect this blog to be as special as it has been. I didn’t realise its power.  I think I’m beginning to understand the power of our stories more and more, the power of what happens when we just get the word out about how wonderful He is and what He can do not only in our lives, but in the lives of everyone in our world. I feel like we did a little experiment and He decided to show off what can happen when we just do what’s in our hands and available to do. He makes it wonderful!!!

Apparently it doesn’t matter HOW we tell our testimony, it’s just important that we do it. We know that there is a promise of OVERCOMING that we know comes from “the word of our testimony.”

Revelation 12:11And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.

So these stories have been much more than “feel good” social media moments. They are for overcoming, for speaking up, and for honouring the Father, friend and Saviour of our lives. 

In the first Real Women blog post I was encouraging us all to “just get down to the business of figuring out our own 'amazing' that God gave us and start living our lives in light of that.”  And that “I really do want us all to be the women we were designed to be: women on the road that 'leads to awesome.'"

This past year of the Real Women blog, we have shouted loud and clear that we are on the road that “leads to awesome,” and that HE is the reason we on on that road!

So, to sum up:

As a die hard Women Superfan I couldn’t be more delighted with all the “awesome” that has happened in the past year on this blog.  And that was only 51 stories.  There are THOUSANDS of you out there with stories that are waiting to be told.

So, yes we will continue the blog!

But more importantly than blogging your story, just be sure you are telling your STORY!  Shout your story of the faithfulness of God from the rooftops.  There is no telling what we will unleash, overcome, transform and set into being by the power of our testimony.  Just keep up the bold, courageous, “dangerous” lives you are already living.

This is us:

  

A real movement of real women who believe there is a real reason to live and a real source of love: a real Saviour with real power to change and heal lives and communities and yes, the world. 

Thank you for making this year of the Real Women blog great.

So on this glorious Easter day, let's look to our Saviour and celebrate everything He has done.

Here’s to the adventures ahead…

I raise my hope like a sword held high with you all!

Tori

Let it go

By Ali Knight

One of my favourite things to do is go to the cinema with our gorgeous 8 year old daughter Kimi.  I love kid's movies and any excuse to laugh like a child again.  One of our favourite family movies is the superb Disney movie "Frozen." My favourite song in the movie is entitled "Let it go." This song although aimed at children, has such a strong message to us as adults, particularly the line "let it go ....the past is in the past."

How often do we hold on to things from our past or indeed  in our present that we need to let go of in order to be living more freely? Now that I am nearly reaching the grand "young" age of 41, I feel so much of my life to date has been learning more and more the importance of letting go of the things robbing me of freedom. I would love to give you a little glimpse into my journey, as I so long for others to find the freedom I've found, because I can say with all my heart that after many many years of struggling and wrestling with myself, I finally feel like a captive set free who's free to be me.

I don't want this blog to focus on the past but on what God has been teaching me about healthy choices that have helped me move on from all that robs me of the freedom He longs for me and you to have.  I'm challenging myself to sum up my past in a few sentences. Those who know me well know this is a major challenge for me as I can never text or email less than an essay!!!! 

Here goes....

Brought up in the most loving, secure, happy home; Full of joy childhood apart from a difficult incident that led to some healing to be done in later life; Teens, developed chronic fatigue (ME) struggled with people pleasing and developed approval addict tendencies; Could'nt say "NO;"  Twenties fought depression; on anti-depressants a little while; Struggled with loving myself and sought affirmation in all the wrong ways; Spent so much time burnt out, stressed out and feeling anxious; In early thirties felt robbed of enjoying the incredible husband and gorgeous daughter I have for all reasons mentioned above. 

It wasn't all gloom and doom!!! There were many many happy times in the midst of each of these stages but I never felt truly free.

I hadn't grasped the "who I was in Jesus."  Then things started to turn around when I looked to Jesus not others to be my shelter, refuge and resting place. I had tried to find my security in people-pleasing when actually I needed to look to God. 

I realised that there will be times that I disappoint others by saying "no" but that's ok.   In life we can't please everyone all of the time BUT He, Father God, loves us no matter what!!!

This is shared in a context of "I have not got it sorted, but I'm on a journey."  What I do know is making the following choices, even on my darkest days has brought me the freedom I longed for.  I am still learning and growing, embracing the fact that choices don't just happen, but take practice over and over.  I am so deeply thankful to the friends and family who have pointed me to the right choices, loved and encouraged me as I've made those choices (which haven't always been easy) and then have stuck with me as I've journeyed the "ups" and "downs" of the process of choices.

So what's helped ? 

Choosing to know who I am in Jesus and what I carry in Jesus.....living loved by HIM

Choosing to be real with God and others - others can journey with us but they can't fix us!!!! Keep it so real with God, He is big enough to carry anything we bring to HIM.

Choosing not to compare- DON'T compare.com 
He made you and me to be exactly that, you and me. Be free to be the you He created you to be!!

Choosing to say "Yes" out of a place of knowing what I'm saying "yes" to is right, rather than out of a place of people- pleasing

Choosing Hope - On the days I don't FEEL hope, choosing to hold on to the truth of knowing there is hope in Jesus, until the feeling of hope returns

Choosing not to stay stuck and seeking to break free until I do

Choosing to move out from the shadow of shame, nothing and no one is beyond God's mercy and grace.....we are always good enough in HIS eyes. Romans 8 vs 1,2, 15,16 (the Message)

Choosing to leave my baggage with God. Before David fought Goliath he handed over his baggage to the baggage keeper. 1 Samuel 17 vs 22

Choosing to let go of worry and always trust God is in control

Choosing to not always have an explanation - When Gideon faced adversity God didn't give an explanation but an affirmation of truth -  "Go in strength..." Judges 6 vs 13-14

Choosing laughter - even on your darkest days choose to spend time with the joy givers who cultivate JOY in you.

Choosing to reach out to others in our pain - I have found such deep release and freedom when I've chosen to let the unthinkables that have happened in my life become the redeemables that bring life in helping others. This hasn't been easy and has been the hardest choice of all, BUT choosing to keep reaching out to others, in His strength, has brought more healing, freedom and joy than I ever imagined possible.

What is the Lord gently whispering to you and me to choose and let go of?  Freedom is waiting for us all in a way that is always beyond what we imagine possible.

The Lord longs to 

“Bestow upon you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair......you will be called oaks of righteousness a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendour” Isaiah 61 

Let it go, the past is in the past!!!!!

From The Inside Out

By Rachael Lockhart

When I was asked to write this blog my reaction really took me by surprise. It wasn’t fear or apprehension; instead I thought how will I be able to pick one thing to share? I have so much to be praising my Lord for. 

The reason this reaction took me by surprise is that until very recently I didn’t think I had anything of worth to talk about….. I wasn’t very interesting! I just want to tell you a little of where I’ve come from to help you understand just how God has changed me. 

I am the eldest of 6 children and grew up in local housing estates. I don’t have many memories of childhood but the few I do have aren’t really very happy. Family life was a struggle. My parents didn’t have very much money and found it difficult to provide for us. On occasion they didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. 

From a very young age I got bullied, I couldn’t even go to the shop but I would run in to trouble. I carried that fear with me all the way through school so I would put up a front, not allowing anyone to get too close. 

I wasn’t very interested in academic stuff and spent the majority of secondary school staring out the window dreaming of my knight in shining armour coming to my rescue; needless to say my exam results told the same story!! However, I was really good at sport and spent all my time throwing myself in to that. I loved hockey and played for school and then for Coleraine ladies where I shone. I had ambitions of becoming a PE teacher but was discouraged because of my academic history. 

In my mid-teenage years I was more confident outwardly but by now trusting people had become a real issue. I was already struggling with who I was and wondering did people really like me? 

Most of my childhood my dad was absent, being broken and hurting himself he was always getting involved in petty crime and spent a lot of our childhood in and out of prison. Towards my late teens his social drinking was becoming more often, developing into the addiction and life-destroyer that alcoholism is. He was clearly hurting, but what became my, my siblings and my mum’s every day was that he was hurting all of us too. Don’t get me wrong, my dad was so much fun to be around when he wasn’t drunk and would do what he could for us, unfortunately these times became fewer and fewer. 

I seemed to take the brunt of his pain as we got older. I couldn’t work out what I had done to make him want to hurt me so much. Was it because I was the eldest? Was it because I often challenged him on it or because I was always telling my mum to leave? Or perhaps it was because I wasn’t his natural child? I loved him so much but he was hurting me. His words were sometimes so cruel. If I was being naughty or being a difficult teenager he would threaten to send me back to my ‘real’ dad, whom I didn’t know and had never met. I was always afraid of having to go and live with another family I didn’t know. I would be so afraid walking home from school that a strange man would stop the car, say he was my ‘real’ dad and take me away. I had my journey home from school all planned out so I could make a quick get away!! 

I would often wonder. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I be loved? Why was I abandoned by my natural dad and now the daddy that I so desperately wanted to love me, why was he hurting me this way? 

Even though I wasn’t very good at school I wanted to have a career, get married and have a family in that order. That didn’t exactly go according to plan. In my dream of finding my knight in shining armour, who was going to take me away from life as I knew it, I fell pregnant at 18. This just confirmed to me that I was worthless. I had no self-respect, drinking and partying too much because I thought that’s what I needed to do to be liked, accepted and loved. Now what was I going to do? How was I going to be a mum? How was I going to love a baby?

My best friend Amanda was my rock and helped me believe that everything was going to be ok. I owe her so much, more than words can ever tell her. She was and is the most amazing friend. The next few years my confidence was like a rollercoaster. Even though I had my knight by my side, loving and protecting me, I still felt worthless. No matter how often he told me how great I was and how much he loved me, I was always pushing him, looking for different confirmation. No matter what he said or how he tried to show me, deep down I wasn’t convinced. I had the most beautiful baby girl that I was and still am so very proud to show off, a very handsome knight and had trained as a hairdresser, but still there were some very unhappy days that I couldn’t explain. 

During my second pregnancy my moods were often low and I became paranoid, feeling like I was losing control of my life. This pregnancy was planned so why wasn’t I happier? I was still believing for my fairytale and happy-ever-after life, but reality looked very different! Following the birth of our second baby girl I started crying a lot and having suicidal thoughts. I kept that to myself putting on my public face…..the one society and the media said I should have. I wouldn’t let anyone in but expected Geoff (my now husband ) to just know that there was something wrong. My bestest friend was always there to listen but I didn’t even share all with her. Now when I look back at this time I can clearly see that My Lord and saviour was with me.

Ten months after the birth of my second beautiful daughter I was diagnosed with having depression. These were some of the darkest days. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere unless Geoff was with me. I couldn’t hold a conversation without analysing what that person thought of me. At times I got so anxious at the thought of doing anything for myself. I felt like a failure, my knight deserved better, my children deserved a better mum, someone who could take them to school and make friends with their friends’ mums...to take them to the park without having to wait until their dad was with us. How would they grow up to love me? 

I was so afraid of Geoff leaving me (and who would have blamed him) that I started smothering him. I needed to know his every move, where he was, who he was with and how long was he going to be away from me? I started taking anti-depressive medication and had a few counselling sessions and a light began to appear. Geoff remained so loving and positive toward me, no matter what I threw at him he was always telling me YOU CAN do anything YOU put my mind to. You are beautiful and funny and loving. You are a great mum and they love you. Finally believing him I went back to school and with his amazing support and that of my friends I qualified in 2004 as a nurse. 

During this training Geoff and I got married and had our third baby girl. I couldn’t have been happier; I loved my job and had a beautiful family. But the depression still had a hold of me. There were still days of total anxiety, fear, hopelessness and worthlessness. I still felt a huge void in my life and I was still blaming Geoff for not loving me enough or the right way, still looking for him to fix me. 

The question for this blog was….What has/is God doing in your life? WOW….Where do I start! I AM HAPPY and full of HOPE. I now have my own voice and identity and I am finally proud to be me and I now know that the Knight I was desperately searching for is my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. August 2011 my life changed beyond anything I ever thought possible; the first time I knew the presence of the Lord was when I came to Vineyard for the first time. 

Our circumstances had become so overwhelming that I was really struggling to keep my head above water, to even breathe at times. My best friend had already begun going to Vineyard and knowing how much we were going through had invited me to come to church with her. ‘You’ll love it Rachael, everyone is great and it might help’. Of course I resisted for a while, then one Sunday I got up and got dressed and went…….WOW!!!!!!! I now know that what I felt that morning was the presence of the Lord meeting me at the front door of the old Dunnes building. The song Kathryn Scott sung that morning spoke to me very loud and clear…. "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me!!!" 

I couldn’t wait to get home to tell Geoff all about it. I tried to explain what I had felt but I couldn’t. So he came the following Sunday and felt it himself, literally!! It was a physical presence wrapping us up and making us feel safe. I always believed there was a God but had too many questions that didn’t make sense, I’d never heard of having a relationship with God…..that would have been bonkers!

The people I met that morning and continue to meet actually wanted to talk to me and get to know me just because. The love that shone from them was definitely something I wanted too. I have met the most amazing people who have guided, taught and shown me that Jesus is alive and recues and saves. I gave my life whole heartedly to my Lord on the 18th December 2011, the exact date and moment my husband did…..That’s a story in itself. 

In 2 ½ years the Lord has changed me from the inside out. I have Jesus at the centre of my life who has given me self-worth and my own voice. I no longer believe I’m a failure but a true woman of the Lord with a design and a purpose of my own. I am exactly who He intended me to be and I don’t need to hide behind my husband anymore. He shows up in every area of my life.  

I am on the welcome team at church and LOVE to talk to newcomers at the end of Sunday’s service. I want everyone I meet to feel as I did when I met Father God for the first time and love watching peoples’ faces when they realise that Jesus is real and alive. I also lead a support group for single mums once a month in church where we as a family can love one another through difficult times and enjoy happy times together…..amazing!!! 

God has taken that broken person who didn’t feel she had anything of worth to talk about and put her into areas where talking and sharing is essential…. Lol, what an amazing Father we have, the exact thing that I found the most difficult and that’s where I am serving Him. I love Jesus and want to shout it from the rooftops and often share my faith with my work colleagues and family. 

Shortly after my journey began my mum joined us at church on the Sundays she wasn’t at work and has also given the Lord her heart. What an amazing journey she is on and I love watching our Father God heal her also. I have a deeper and stronger relationship with my husband, whom I now totally believe loves me and wants to protect, care and provide for me. He has always believed in me and I love him for that. I have better relationships with my family, including my dad who is still battling with alcoholism and his painful past. He has asked Jesus into his heart and I will continue to pray for his healing. 

As for my children, well I enjoy every moment of life with them. God and I are in a partnership of love, strength and hope…..He has delivered me from the hurts of my past, from the disappointment, bitterness, resentment and self-hate and has given me His GRACE.

Nurture

By Abi Patterson

I'm laughing at myself as I write this. To say "I'm not a Hallmark kind of a girl" would be an understatement. In fact, to read the verses in cards in the shop can be a source of bewilderment to me. Probability is I'll buy a blank card and write something that sums up my feelings for the person in question - it won't rhyme and maybe it doesn't gush but it's me. And increasingly I'm happy with that. 

I've learned over the years what love languages speak to my heart, to my husband's and to each of my kids. In my case, it's 'doing' - make me a cup of tea or put up a shelf for me and I'm gushy then!! Aren't we funny us people? (Incidentally, if you've never worked out the love languages of your nearest and dearest do it ASAP as it changes your communication so beautifully forever.)

My thirties has so far been a season of learning more about what makes me me. I guess up to then I thought everybody did what I did and could do what I could do. It's like as I get a little older the truth is becoming clearer where 'me' is concerned. It's lovely to finally get to be happy with the skin I'm in and stop striving, hiding or stressing. 

Six months ago I asked God what freedom looks like and since then He's been freeing me from all kinds of misconceptions I've had- most of them about me, religion and what abundant life looks like with Him. 
I started out adult life headed for career heights. I was an A type achiever driving to succeed in the world of marketing and PR. That was the dream. The story is a long one but suffice to say I met a wonderful man and had three amazing children and the process of these years has changed my journey beyond recognition. The reason I tell you this backstory will become clear....stick with me...

I have learned that I have what I can now diagnose as a gift of nurture. It surprised me when I had my kids and it's stuck about ever since. If I'm honest I thought nurture was just a gift for child rearing but I'm learning I was wrong. It surprises me the places I see my nurturing delight sparkle
...I see it when I help yeast rise to make bread, the childlike joy I experience when seeds spring forth from the soil, the joy of kindling growing friendships in my life, the delight of seeing faith grow in me and in those around me. Nurture.

I misunderstood that nurture is not a child rearing gift but rather a heart that delights in growth and especially in the growth and expanse of others.

That my gift does not lie dormant because I have no babies in my home, or my nest is empty or children haven't arrived yet. Nurture can be nurtured across your life. In many ways a nurturer is like an attentive gardener, you just have to decide what garden you are seeking to grow. For you this could be discipling those younger in their faith, it could be befriending those you see in need of friendship, it could be so many things and you need to follow your heartbeat and follow Gods lead to find out ...what is your 'garden'? 

For me this past few years has seen a yearning grow that has stunned me in its passion. You see as I've begun to expose my heart to the world of fostering and adoption - by reading, meeting people and seeking to know more- God has expanded my heart for children in need of loving homes so much it aches. I get all fired up when I start talking about children who haven't had a fair deal in life. Children who have experienced less than a loving home, first years full of hugs, giggles and delight. My husband and I and our 3 biological children are on a journey now seeking to adopt. 

We love adoption and are passionate advocates for the Home for Good campaign which is asking us all to use our home for good for the children who need us (www.homeforgood.org.uk). I dream that one day our daughter will be home with us and her life will be full of the love and care that every child deserves. But God takes me deeper still - I dream and I pray that every child in our city, in our nation gets a home for good. That no child has to go to bed hungry, that no child will spend even a day unhugged, unloved. That one day the word 'orphan' will be spoken of in the past tense and confined to history. 

The dream looks big and I haven't quite got a plan but
I don't need one. I've got Jesus and I've got a fire in my belly that dwarfs any dream I held as the younger career-focused me. 
So you see as I sat down to write our blog for Mother's Day I was keenly aware that this is a day when many of us feel our loss while others celebrate. I wanted to share with you that mothering isn't defined biologically and it isn't only parenting. You have in you the capacity and the power to nurture where you put your hand. And that to me is immensely exciting. I love to think of the tidal wave of growth that we as women can unleash on our city when we set our hearts to intentionally nurture and dangerously step where Jesus leads. There is nowhere safe when we awake to the power we have as women to bless and grow what we put our hand to. 

So let's make a pact to be dangerous - are you in?

(If you are interested in learning more about fostering or adoption I will be delighted to chat with you. I also have 10 copies of the 'home for good' book for loan - an excellent place to start your journey into Gods heart for orphans abipatterson@hotmail.com)