By Janice Hanna
For better, for
worse…. For richer, for poorer…
In sickness and in health…awwwh, it rolled off the tongue so easily as a carefree
23 year old, swept up in a whirlwind of love and romance.
When we first got married, without even
realising it, I had pictured a very idealistic, happy-ever after life together. It only took 6 months for this fairy-tale
illusion to be shattered. In that short period of time my husband lost his job
meaning that finances were stretched more than we were able to manage. Simultaneously
his on-going health issues where deteriorating rapidly meaning that job
prospects were few and far between, but also while this was happening close
family relationships were also breaking down beyond reconciliation.
It really was no surprise when depression came knocking at
our door and even though it was Steve with the diagnosis I was living on the
other side of it. Many days I would return home from work and he would still be
sitting in the same spot as when I had left that morning. Many miles were
driven home from work with my eyes full of tears knowing that this was not how
it was supposed to be; I should be excited about coming home to my new husband.
To be completely honest there were times we reached breaking point, giving up
on our marriage felt like the easiest option.
During that time I
couldn’t walk into church, I felt angry at God; I was waiting for the happy
ever after and for Steve to be healed but it wasn’t happening. Keeping on the
happy bubbly exterior I was afraid to talk to anyone about it as I knew the
façade would crumble. Where I once felt creative and colourful, now I felt
burdened and black.
With time, colour
gradually returned. We
re-connected friendships and enjoyed going to church once again. Steve sought
out and accepted the help he needed for depression and used his experience to
become a leader in ‘Celebrate Recovery’ helping others through their pain.
It
was after a miscarriage that we realised we were much stronger than we ever
thought, and though we couldn’t see it at the time, God was preparing big plans
for us. Plus we now have a beautiful 18 month old daughter, Eden who is a constant
source of joy and laughter in this house (amidst the early onset of the
terrible twos!!!)
Many times while trying
to write this blog I have questioned why am I writing this, there are very few
people I have talked to about it, never mind posting it online for all to see,
but it’s in writing this that I have finally realised that I could only go
forward once I had dealt with the past.
History threatened
to repeat itself this year when Steve lost his job again. Fear and panic quickly
returned and crippling worry was taking over my every thought. A lot of issues
were coming up that I had never dealt with from before. This time it felt like
it was me that was close to breaking point.
Thankfully we are
part of a church family where we could get the exact help that we needed. From
spiritual to financial, a weight was lifted and this time completely different
choices were made. I finally began to talk to the right people and wonderful
women were praying us through it all.
Learning to trust
God’s promise in Psalm 55:22 that if we
give away our cares to him he will take care of us seems such a simple verse
but to live in the freedom of these words is transforming. For me it means I’m
finally beginning to learn to not worry obsessively about the things I have no
control over and although I may still worry about things, they no longer control
me.
I am finally beginning to grasp the reality of having a God I can trust in.
As an almost 30 year old now being carefree is a choice I have to remember to
make every day.
I know that just
because we have come through these struggles that life won’t be easy, but our
experiences together and with God have taught me more than I could have ever
learned in a sermon or a book.
This has been my story and my song and God is teaching me to trust him
more and more each day with my life, my marriage, my daughter, our finances and
His plans for our future.
If you have the time
I would love for you to listen to my anthem song! I love to turn it up loud and
sing it out!! For me, I know that with God at my side and with my husband’s
hand in mine…we are invincible.
During the struggle, they may pull us down, but tonight we
can truly say, Together we’re invincible!!
Nb:
thanks to my hubby who has let me share his personal stuff too J
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