Honesty With God

 By Emily Brown

(This entry is special because Emily bravely wrote this 3 weeks before the birth of her new baby boy Joshua Mark Brown. We welcome him to the world!)

In deciding what to write I guess ‘birth’ is the upper most thing in my mind (seeing as I am due to give birth in 3 weeks – or will have given birth by the time you read this!!). 

I am so acutely aware that when we look at people around us we see the ‘perfect’ side of their life - we see the ‘happy family’.  Sometimes this is the true picture, but we often don’t see the pain that people have or have gone through.

Many people won’t be aware of the traumatic birth I had with my son, Joel.  It was one of the scariest times of my life – but the worst part was feeling like God had left me.  The God I had known, who had always been so good to me, always been so gracious had suddenly let me go through something very traumatic.  I know for many of us we were brought up not to think like this – but I absolutely screamed out to God ‘Why, why me?!’ ‘How could you let this happen?!’.  I have always loved God with everything and walked so closely with him in my life – and for that to suddenly feel like it was gone was the worst.  I felt everything I had based my life on was suddenly a lie……

Through screaming out to a God whose character I no longer knew or trusted was where my healing came.  I believe in complete honesty before God, as He knows what we are thinking/feeling anyway, and although I knew how I felt would have offended many Christians, I knew God would be able to handle my doubts.

It was somehow in this time that something very personal happened for me.  I saw a picture in my mind.  It was of Jesus in the room with me after Joel’s birth as I was having complications.  In this picture in my mind, Jesus was there and he said to the enemy ‘Stop – that is enough – no more’.  The gift of this picture was that I saw Jesus was for me; Jesus was the one who healed me; Jesus was completely sovereign over the whole thing.

Yes, I know that the situation was still allowed to happen – but now I thank God for this because my understanding of who he is and his character has been completely altered and is more correct!  I now fear less and am less anxious because I know that whatever trauma may come my way, no matter how painful, I WILL get through it because God is on my side. 

Traumatic things can happen to each of us – if we call out to God in honesty, He will show us who he truly is.  Don’t be afraid to tell God if you blame Him – but never stop talking to Him  - let Him reveal to you His love for you and how he is not to blame.  Hold onto the God you see in these blogs, even though you may not even be sure this God exists, He will show you that He truly does exist and is FOR you!